Page 12

HIGH GEAR

SEPTEMBER 1976

GAY PяAVDA

ЩЯКЕЯЅ OF THE ЩОЯLDЦИІТЄ! THEяЄ IS ИOTHING TOO LOOSE!

CABBAGE HEATS BATHS

The Kamchatka Baths will be heated by cabbabe in the near future! Each patron will be asked to consume one head of cavvage before sitting in the New World IPool. Of Course, cabbage is recognized as a leading cause of gas in the Soviet Union.

As the bubbles produced by the patrons float to the surface of the bath water, they will be captured in paper bags. The bulging bags will be combusted beneath boilers which heat water as well as air. (Many

Soviet homes are already heated in the winter by the raw gas of the people).

If the experiment is successful, huge factories will be constructed in which millions of workers will eat cabbage all day and night and pass gas. These "gasses of the masses" will then be piped to street lights to illuminate all of Moscow and Leningrad.

In the meantime, the People's Commissariat of Safety cautions all citizens not to smoke indoors after eating cabbage soup.

IRKUTSK GETS 3 BARS

By the end of the next fiveyear plan Irkutsk will have three new homophilic bars. They will be called respectfully: People's Revolutionary Homophilic Bar Number 1. PRHB Number 2, and PRHB Number 3. There will be disco dancing all night until 9 o'clock p.m. Disco to the glory of Vladimir Illitch Lenin and the October Revolution!

Alcoholic beverages to be released will include: domesticissue Vodka, Golden Irrigation Ditch Mead, Cossack fermented goat's milk and for those over

eighteen, homemade Ukranian ethyl alcohol.

To be smelled will be nitrates from our nation's enormous mineral deposits.

Entertainment will include delightful half-hour lectures by Comrade Professor Yuri Grett on the Irkutsk fisheries. Light shows inspiring awe will be produced from colored papers and smoldering pork renderings. Sonya Televizhskaya will sing arias from Boris Godunov, with much vigor.

KAЯL & FЯЄD

All hail the homophilosophical' relationship between Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels, the fathers of bright Red gay socialism!

We must revere the precious homoideological direction which we have inherited. We have reached an historic juncture in our evolution. We have evolved from heterosapiens into homosapiens, and the world is becoming more homogenous every day, thanks to the process of dialectal materialism. Ecce Homo! behold homosocialist!

the new

OVE

at first sight

As a result of the homotheses of our illustrious homopartisan leadership, we have come to realize that there is no place like homo.

And let us not forget our homonyms, or homogony, or homograft, our homologate, our homologues, our homomorphism, our homophones and above all our homogenized milk! HAIL MARX AND ENGELS!

CLASSLESSIFIEDS

Like to be packaged? I will package you and walk on you with galoshes, compelling you to beg for exit permission. Vasili 21-8732

CC PRAISES YOUTH

Two weeks ago the Central Committee heaped well-deserved praise upon the Gaysky Komsomol (Gay Youth Movement) for turning a record number of tricks and thereby meetint this yar'S PRODUCTION QUOTA. The illustrious Chairman of our revered Communist Party, Nikita Cruiseshev, generously commended our youth with much appreciation for satisfying the special needs of the workers and peasants.

In gratitude for their selfless sacrifice to the people, 134 members of the Gaysky Komsomolsky Red Guard will be awarded sparkling new Sovietmade vans to better facilitate Socialist democratic cruising around Red Square. The vans will be paraded nightly around the Square by the Guard and will come to be known as the "Vanguard of the Proletariat." The van teams will also humble themselves before the working class at Edgewatersky Park.

Recently interviewed Red Guard, Ivan Awfulitsch Crabsky, described himself thusly: "I consider myself a mighty thesis looking for a brawny anthithesis for Red-hot socialist patriotic synthesis in the back of my van."

wants

Lumpenproletarian hump'n proletarian who is interested in the dicktatorship of the proletariat. Alexei 02-0888

Peter the Great seeks same for Kizka war and salt talks. Pyotr 72-5115.

Tractor into bestiality with combines. Ask for serial No.

The men in this photo show their ID's to get into the new bar. R80672118853.

ИЦЯЄТЄѴ IS FULL OF BOLSHOI !

Man with form enlarged from toil seeks two similar heroes of labor for troika.

Yuri 88-359.

Two hundred-fifty kilos of solid Bolshevik seeks same for comradely association. No gluttonous reactionaries, displayers of decadent bourgeois feminineness or Trotskyites need apply. Boris 78-101.

LESBIAN SPEAKS

Comrade Lesbian Bratislava Ayayayaskaya, addressing the Presidium of the Supreme Soviet, last week denounced the Mensheviks as "sexist, lacklustre Lackeys for refusing to convert to Personsheviks.

The Presidium was emphatically reminded by Comrad Ayayayaskaya that it is time it stopped worrying about the menace of capitalism and concerned itself with the personage of capitalism.

Following her impassioned address, Ayayayaskaya was exiled to Siberia in disgrace when the KGB discovered that her puns on "person" had been used much earlier in Reader's Digest.